Our road trip has officially started! Big D is more than a spec in our rear-view mirror, the kids are strapped into their seats hypnotized by what's pouring out of the DVD player and I have my dear friend my wireless broadband card. How did we travel without all of these luxuries?
I do know what does need to become a luxury item for weary yuppie travelers, boutique rest stops. Yes, I am finally claiming the yuppie title dear brother-in-law no. 1. After stopping on the side of the road to let Slade go "pee pee on the snakes", his term for relieving himself on the side of the road. We realized that we all needed a break and the car needed gas. So we exited at the first station we saw.
I was so pre-occupied getting myself inside to the restroom with Slade in tow asking a million questions that I didn't notice the tell-tell warning signs; overflowing trash cans, sticky sludge on the floors and a clerk resting in a comfy chair reading a sex novel. By this point the giant drink that I consumed was banging on my bladder yelling "Hey, let me out of here!" So I drug Slade to the women's restroom to find the door locked. It sounded like 2 little girls were locked in there shredding toilet paper and throwing it in the air as they giggled. I stood outside the door doing the pee pee dance knowing they had heard me jiggle the handle and thinking surely this will speed them up.
As I bounce from one leg to the other Slade points out the other restroom is open. I have never ventured into the mens room but thought "Hey, I have a son that will be old enough to visit these places on his own soon, go check it out". So we went in...not a wise idea on my part. As I balanced above the potty trying not to put my feet in some of the bad aim sprinkled around the potty I had to explain to young man Slade why I was doing that. No worries, he was soon distracted by the condom machine and wanted to put some money in the game. Just then someone jiggles the handle and Slade goes to open the door. Fortunately for all of us I stop him. It was brother-in-law no. 2 outside, family get togethers never would have been the same if that had gone down differently.
Finally, we finish up and I insist that little man wash his hands even though he insisted he didn't potty. We picked up some snacks and drinks and I made a mental note to wipe things down with wet wipes when we got back to the car. As we were checking out, the sex book lady asked me if I was paying with Debit or Credit. I said Debit and Slade yelled we don't say dammit! As I am explaining to him what I said I am mindlessly punching in my dammit pin. Sex book lady says you know some people cover that thing up like I am going to remember their number. Now we are driving down the road and I am wondering if I need to cancel my check card.
Boutique rest stops are the wave of the future I tell you. You could stop, get a mini massage, a smoothie and go tinkle in a restroom that sparkles. Although we all love sex book lady, her overflowing ashtray and stained bubba votes too t-shirt would be replaced with Darin who smiles and says "You go girl as you leave!"
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